The Field Trip
by DarkCatAkuma
Summary: It's a new term and the field-trip to Swanage looms.Neville is infatuated with Michelle,but she has her eyes on Seamus,meanwhile,Ron is searching for the sexy house wife he has heard so much about,and Harry is in trouble with Flitwick!
1. Chapter 1

The first hurdle of the new term invlolved a freezing cold day in January, a coach, and Ron calling Harry a Bender.

"Morning, benders!" smiled Ron, as he and Hermione approached Harry, Seamus, and Neville.

"This is it" Ron continued "The Swanage field trip is legendary for carnage, It's the only reason i agreed to come!" They had just started their sixth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy, and it had been Dumbledore's idea for the whole year to come along to a field-trip to the seaside. Ofcourse, there were several people who chose not to come, mostly Slytherins, as they detested the idea of spending five days in a muggle village beside the sea.

"Seems like a flimsy reason..." Said Neville bitterly, mocking Ron in his speech "unspecified carnage"

"Yeah? Well I tell you what wont be flimsy - my cock! " He retorted with a large grin spread across his pale and freckled face. "There's this sexy house-wife down there, and every year she fucks one bloke from school."

"How could you possibly know that?" Hermione snapped.

"My mate went last year, and he said that he banged her!" He again had a cheeky grin on his face, and he stood silently for a moment whilst looking dreamily into space. "He said she was the best fuck he'd ever had, a right fit mature bird that does it 'cause she really loves young meat!"

"Oh bollocks! For one thing you haven't got a mate in year seven!" Piped up Seamus, who before now was stood watching silently.

"Yeah I do! Chris Groves" He said defensivley. Ron was well known for exagerrating and making up the odd lie every now and then if he thought it made him more cool.

"Never heard of him" Seamus said, confused.

"Well, he isn't going to hang around with a twat like you is he."

"So let me get this straight" Neville said matter-of-factly. "Your imaginary friend, fucked an imaginary older woman, so you decided to come on a boring 4 day long school trip?" The others looked at their feet to try and hide the smiles on their faces. Although not the sharpest knife in the box, Neville could be quite funny when he wanted to.

Ron opened his mouth to speak, but he seemed lost for words, the others watched awaiting some sort of witty come back, but instead he closed his mouth again lost for words. To break the awkward silence, Seamus turned to Neville and said

" We should try and have a laugh down there though, do something different"

"We could go on a boat trip!" Neville said hopefully "I checked, they hire boats from the local harbour."

"Nah we should try and like, get off with the local girls, or get some booze in or something."

"Everything we're shit at here, but by the seaside. Yeah, can't wait." Neville said back.

Harry who had only really just started paying attention to the conversation, because he was sat next to Hermione on the floor, who was reading a book and having no part in the conversation what-so-ever ( she had sat down and pulled out a book when Ron started mentioning "carnage"), piped up hopefully; " We could let off a load of fire works in our room!"

"Could do!" Seamus said, getting Harry's hopes up until he said "though it would be a bit pointless."

Harry, shrugged this off and went to board the coach taking them to the school trip, but he was stopped by Hermione, who was by now standing by the coach door.

"Harry, what are you doing?" She said suddenly,talking in the tone of a concerned parent confronting a group of ne'er do wells.

"Getting on the coach" He replied, beaming.

"But you didn't get your permission slip signed..."

"I know that" she said, talking as if Hermione thought he was some sort of mentally slow person that was on the run from st mungo's.

"So what are you doing getting on the coach to the trip that you're not allowed to come too?"

"Oh well, Ron was going on about how mental it all was and i really,really wanted to go. So i asked Flitwick if i could come down and help him out."

"Peado Flitwick!" Seamus said so loud that groups of people turned to look at him, and after realising he wasn't do anything particularly interesting or illegal, they turned back to their friends to continue the conversation. "He said yes,presumably?"

"He did actually" Harry said smugly. "I am the master of conning" He stuck his tounge out after he said it, making them all laugh except from Hermione who looked concerned.

"Peado Flitwick?" She repeated.

"Charms teacher, and paedo".

"I know who he is,Seamus" She hissed through gritted teeth. " I don't believe the school would actually employ a peadophile!" She looked as if she wanted to laugh, although the fact that this was a serious allegation they were all making, she managed to over come it.

"They 'av dun!" Ron butted in.

"Yes, but the thing is, they haven't, have they?" Hermione said, pulling Ron a smug face.

"He was caught in the music cupboard, masterbating over the school Orchestra!" Seamus said.

"When?!" Hermione said irritably. She demanded proof that their was a paedophile roaming the corridors of Hogwarts castle.

"Before we started" Seamus replied.

"That's convinient." She turned to Harry with a look of concern, but before she was to believe that the school DID employ peadophiles, she wanted to know why Flitwick had made an acception for Harry to come, because surely if another student had asked him, he would have refused?

"So, what has he asked you to do down here then, Harry?"

"Oh, he wants me to help him out, collecting samples and stuff."

"Of your spunk, probably." Said Ron

"In his mouth" Neville muttered quietly

"And don 't forget the hair." Seamus murmered.

"Oh,behave!" Harry said irritably, and they all boarded the coach.


	2. Chapter 2

It might of been a new term and new year, but some things never change, as proved by Seamus who waved to a pretty girl with blonde hair in loose curls and bright blue eyes, however she just looked at Seamus and then took a seat, whilst he started fidgeting with the air conditioning control switch above his head, trying to make out as if he had never been waving to her at all.

"Still going well with Lucy then,is it?" Neville said, half laughing.

"Shut up!" Spat Seamus, turning red.

"Oh here he is" Ron said over them. As Harry,Hermione,Neville and Seamus looked down the coach they saw Flitwick had just got on board.

"Watch out, Harry." Seamus said in a whisper that was barely audible.

To everyone's amusment except from Harry's, Flitwick had glanced over at him and had given him a thumbs up. Harry was horrorfied, "Oh don't do that" he said helplessly.

The others couldn't help it. The emerged in fits of laughter and started mocking Harry with sayings such as "Ohhh, Thumbs-up friend!", "Ohhh, weird old innapropraite friend!" and "Ohh,spunk samples friend!"

"Oh, why did he have to do the thumbs-up?" Harry said bitterly.

Ron help up his own thumb in an imitation of Flitwick and then said, "Because that's what going to be going up your arse first!"

"Going up your arse first!" Harry bellowed back, and seized Ron's thumb in an attempt to put it somewhere innapropriate. They all laughed, even Hermione joined in, but in all the excitment, they had forgotten the rule of school trips; Hard kids sit at the back.

"Oh shit" Said Ron, and he desperatly left his seat at the back of the coach to find another.

"I'm off" Said Neville." And he too left, followed to Seamus and Harry, leaving Hermione sitting there, and Draco Malfoy, whom they had not expected to be coming along to the muggle village, came walking towards to back seats.

"No, stay, we have no reason to move!" Hermione shouted towards her friend who had abandoned her at the back of the coach with their arch enemy, Draco Malfoy.

"Move" Snarled Malfoy.

"Why should we?" Hermione said defensivly.

"You want me to give you a reason, do you?" Malfoy sniggered.

"Well, I'm not leaving with out one."

"I don't think you understand" Malfoy said, putting his face so close to Hermione's that any one from behind him would think that he was about to kiss her.

Hermione, although she felt scared and threatened, defend herself and said "I don't think that you understand, that we got up early to secure these seats and the-"

She was cut off as Malfoy grabbed hold of her by her school tie and dragged her away from the back seats, and sat down.

Hermione joined Ron,Harry,Neville and Seamus and the group of them stood together in the middle of the coach, looking for a place for them all to sit. At that moment, Severus Snape boarded the coach, and seeing them all grouped together snarled "What is going on, get back to your seats"

"There's no where to sit, Sir." Said Ron.

"Yes there is,there's loads of room at the front, sit next to Ernie!"

"I'm not sitting next to 'im, 'is fat arse takes up two seats!"

Severus gave a loud sigh, and Ron could just about hear Ernie saying something along the lines of, "I've got feeling too yano."

"Fine. Sit next to me or Professor come on,hurry up!" He barked.

Ron pulled a face of horror as he went to sit next to Snape, Flitwick's eyes lit up as Harry sat beside him, Seamus sat in the vacant seat behind Harry, Hermione was sat close to the back somewhere, but Neville was still stood in the gang way.

"Longbottom!" Barked Snape once more. "SIT DOWN!"

Neville didn't need telling twice. He sat down on the closest vacant seat he could find, and saw he was sitting next to a brunette girl with long flowing hair that reached her breasts. She was very pretty, and her beautiful green eyes looked at him welcomingly. Neville's heart skipped a beat. He had never seen this girl before. How had he never seen her? She was so beautiful!

"Sorry, I don't believe we've met." Neville said with all the courage he could muster.

"I'm Michelle Harris." She said smiling.

"Neville Longbottom." He returned her radiant smile.

As they headed to Swanage there was definitley a sense of excitment. A feeling that anything could happen, for a couple of hours. Then it just became another incredibly tedious coach journy.

Ron sat beside Snape who was reading this mornings Daily Prophet. He was beside himself with boredom. He was so bored, Ron thought, that he could eat himself. He opened his mouth to speak, but was stopped with his mouth hanging open in a perfect 'O' by Snape, who said without looking up from his paper "Don't even think about trying to talk to me"

Ron closed his mouth and sat back in his seat. Then, Snape folded his paper and got up out of his seat, down a flight of stairs, which Ron presumed took him to a toilet. Seizing the oppertunity, Ron dived out of his seat and ran over to join Harry and Seamus.

"Right, who wants to swap seats?" He said, looking back and forth from Seamus to Harry.

"Nah, I'm alright here thanks." Seamus said.

Dissapointed, Ron's eyes skimmed the rest of the coach looking for Hermione of Neville. His gaze fell upon Neville first, and he saw him engaged in deep conversation with the beautiful girl Michelle.

"'Ang on a minute! Who's SpongeBob-ShitHisPants talking too?"

Both Harry and Seamus turned around, and Harry's jaw dropped as he and Seamus gaped at Neville and Michelle.

"She's fit!" Yelled Harry, Still in awe at the fact Neville was talking to a decent bird.

"Yeah, she is" Seamus said, bewildred by the sight of it.

"Here" Said Harry, jumping out of his seat, "This will get her attention."

" Oh, Harry, Don't be embaressing!"

Too Late.

"OI! EVERYONE!" Harry bellowed. All eyes fell upon him. "Watch this!" The pulled out his arm, stick it in the air, and pulled as if tugging on an invisible toilet chain. The lorry driving beside the coach had pulled it's lever which activated the horn, and it hooted over the sounds of everyone's laugher.

"What's going on?" Michelle asked, sitting up in her seat to get a clearer view.

"It's just Harry being silly" Neville replied, desperate to get her attention back to him.

"Is he doing that horn thing? That's really funny!" She laughed.

Neville was shocked. She seemed far too mature to think this was funny.

"Yeah!" He piped up. "Silly..Funny...Silly in a Funny way."

He was seething. He was going to kill Harry for that when they got off the coach.

"Do it again, Harry!" Michelle yelled above the laughter and cheering, so he repeated the gesture the made with his arm, and again, another horn beeped.

" 'Ere" Ron said over the laughter. "If you liked that, I got a good one!" He knocked on the window of the coach several times until he had caught the attention of the old people driving by in the community bus driving past. He waved at them pleasantly until they waved back, then he turned his palm and stuck up his middle finger, still smiling as if he was doing something pleasant. He then started to pull the famous "wanker" sign, that was commonly used by muggles.

To Ron's dissapointment, everyone pulled faces,moaned,and tutted. "What?!. They loved it!"

At that moment, Snape re-appeared and seeing Ron his eyes flashed with anger, and the desire to strangle him.

"Weasley, sit DOWN!" he roared, and Ron hurridly rushed back to his seat.

They arrived at the hotel they would be staying at, and so far the only unspecified carnage they had witnessed was what Snape had left in the coach toilet. but Ron wasn't giving up on his mythical sea-side milf.


	3. Chapter 3

"So where do you think this Nympho hangs out then?" Said Harry

"I'm not sure," Ron replied,shaking his head. "High street maybe? Or the ice-cream stall at the front of the pier. Apparantly right, she comes up to you and asks for a "lick of your cornetto", it means she's offering a cock-in-mouth situation. It's like a code."

"Brilliant" Snapped Hermione. She was really,really jealous. She loved Ron, and everybody knew it, except himself. She had tried everything to make her feelings clear, however he just wasn't reading the signs.

Just then, Michelle the beautiful girl from the group walked over to them all, turned to Neville and said "Oh, Neville, bit embaressing really, but is it all right if i sit with you at lunch, because i don't have many friends." Her porcelin cheeks flushed pink, and Harry, Ron and Seamus raised their eye brows. Why on earth would she want to hang out with him?

"God..er.."

Looking over at his friends, who nodded and smiled in encouragment, he said "yes, ofcourse"

"You could sit on my lap if you like" Ron murmered, he didn't intend her to hear, however, she did.

"No thankyou" She snarled, "And i just think that you should know, that thing you did on the bus was really sad and pathetic, and not funny." Then turning back to Neville, she smiled broadley and said "I'll see you later"

Neville was grinning from ear to ear, and Ron looked dissapointed.

----

It was lunch time, and the gang were sitting at the lunch table. Neville kept taking nervous glances around the crowded canteen, looking for the beautiful Michelle, but there was no sign of her.

"Looks like you wont be getting off with Michelle then." Hermione said smugly. She was happy that Michelle had declined his offer.

"Who cares? Michelle is just a little girl, I get enough of them back home. I want a woman, and Me and Harry are going to do down the pier during the free time to see if we can find her." He said back.

"She is fit though, that Michelle" Seamus chipped in.

Looking mortified, Neville rounded on him; "What?"

"Michelle is fit,isn't she?"

"I saw her first!" Neville argued.

"What, I'm just saying that she is fit!" Seamus retorted.

"Hi guys!" Michelle had walked over, and was smiling at them all.

"Oh, you could sit down here!" Said Seamus, who moved along the bench to create enough room for her to sit down. Neville threw him a filthy look.

"Oh, I'm just off actually." Ron said, getting up to walk away.

"No!" Michelle yelled. Ron turned to look back at her,surprised. "Don't leave on my account."

"No, it's not that, it's just that i've got to go see a man about a dog, and a woman about a pussy" he said with a cheeky wink.

There was a small laugh from Harry.

"I do know what that means." Michelle said bitterly.

"Right...Are you coming Harry?"

Harry got up and left the canteen behind Ron. Michelle took the pro-offered seat beside Seamus and Neville turned red. Hermione, feeling a bit awkward, ran after Harry and Ron.

"Sorry about those two." He smiled, talking about Harry and Ron.

"It's all right" She said calmy. "I've got a younger brother so i'm used to it, well actually he's 8 so he's a bit more mature like, but yano."

Seamus gave a nervous giggle, and Neville, desperate to get her attention said loudly in an odd, high pitched voice; "fiesty one, you are!"

"What?" Michelle said with a look of utter confusion on her face.

"Fiesty one, you are!" Neville repeated, in the same high pitched voice.

"Why are you talking like that?" Michelle said coldy. Seamus watched in amusment.

There was an akward silence before Neville replied.."It was yoda...I was doing impressions of him on the coach?"

"Oh!" Michelle smiled, remembering. "Is that what that is? I thought you had some kind of problem" She said, turning pink in the cheeks. There was another giggle from Seamus. Neville was going to kill him!

"Yeah, good one." Neville said, trying to make a joke of it.

"Oh, I meant to ask actually, would one of you two mind hanging out with me in the free time, you know 'cause i've got no mates and all that?"

"I will!" Seamus said broadly.

WHAT THE HELL? It was obvious Neville liked her, what the hell was Seamus doing muscling in.

"Oh...I don't think you can, actually." Neville said, sadly.

"Why not?" Seamus asked.

"Yeah, why not?" Asked Michelle.

"Probably because of what i mentioned earlier..?" Neville said leaning towards him.

"What...Ron fucking an old woman?" Seamus asked.

"Oops!" Neville replied with a quick glance at Michelle. "No, the other thing."

"I have no idea what you're talking about, mate" Seamus said, genuinly confused. "Look, Neville, don't be a dick. Michelle doesn't know many people."

"I'm not being a dick, Seamus" Neville replied slowly through gritted teeth, "I'm just saying, who am I going to hang out with?"

Just then, Ernie Mcmillian slowly walked over.

"Proffessor Snape said I must pair up with you, because I'm not very good at directions and I might get lost." He said, looking at Neville.

"Right!" Neville shouted, getting up out of his seat angrily, Ernie followed.

So Seamus was hanging out with the lovely Michelle whilst Neville had to stop a fat kid from wondering into the sea. Lucy and her friend, Jal, had just walked past the table where Seamus and Michelle were sitting, she looked over jealously, then walked back off with her friend, who looked concerned. Meanwhile, Ron was searching for the rarest of beasts, a sexy middle aged woman.

----

"Hurry up, Ron, I've got to get back to help Flitwick out in 15 minutes!"

"Alright, I'll try this one" He said, indicating a middle aged woman, slightly plump and short, with her faded blonde hair scraped back into a pony tale. She had obviously just given birth, as she was pushing a small baby in a pram.

"Excuse me" Ron said to her.

"Yes?" She said with a smile.

"Um, we're doing a survey for school, would you mind if i asked you a few questions?" Ofcourse, they weren't really doing a survey, Ron just thought if he asked her a few innapropriate questions, she could just turn out to be the old nympho ice cream lady.

"Will it take long?"

"It can take as long as you like" Harry said, nodding his head up and down in appreciation of this woman, and smiling broadly.

"Sorry?" She said, looking at Harry appauled.

"Nah!" Ron said, trying to get her attention back. "First question. What method of transport did you get in to town today?"

"I drove" she said questionably.

"And, how often do you use public transport?"

"Rarely" She said, shaking her head, confused.

"And...do you wear like, stockings and that.?" He said,flicking his eyes between the paper and her, trying not to make eye sight with her. Harry shoved his fist in his mouth to stop him from laughing.

"Is that about transport?" Said the stocky woman.

"It's just the questions written down....er, one last one..."

----

Hermione had just come out of WaterStones, the local book shop. She had went in to see if she could find anything interesting to read whilst Her friends were looking for people to get off with, but there was nothing that tickled her fancy. As she left the shop, she looked over in the direction she had last left Ron and Harry, and she saw that they were still questioning middle aged women in the hope of finding this non-exsistant nympho-maniac. Just then, the small woman raised her hand and slapped Ron in the face.

"Ouch" She said. Then she laughed hard. She had needed that. It served Ron right for looking for older women.

Seamus had just popped up behind her. She turned and smiled at him, and he smiled back. Then, Neville came walking over too, with Ernie lagging behind him.

"HELP-ME!" he yelled, seizing Hermione's robes. "He's an idiot! Can't you look after him instead,Hermione, please?"

"Hah! No chance."

"Alright,mate?" Said Seamus to Neville. "Michelle's just gone to get a drink."

"Erm, I thought you were supposed to be interested in Lucy?" Neville replied.

"Michelle is a mate, isn't she? Easy to talk to."

"Did she mention me at all?" Said Neville with high hopes.

"Nope. She said she thought i was really good looking!" Seamus smiled. "I was NOT expecting that."

Neville smiled regardless. "This is a bit weird, 'cause i really like her but I think she might like you..."

"Right well, if she fancies me then maybe i should just go for it!"

"Perhaps" Said Neville sarcastically, "except i'm saying that I like her."

"I should go for it though..."

"Any thoughts on the me liking her part?" Neville said angrily.

"Oh..." Seamus replied. "But she is fit, so you can see my point" he said.

"Not really!" Neville was getting angrier by the minute. Seamus was supposed to be his friend.

"Yeah, but you know how it is mate."

"Nope! Not at all!"

"Look, let's just see what happens later at the dorm, she might not even like either of us."

"Yep, but no hard feeling if she goes for me,eh?" Said Neville. He was getting calmer now.

"Oh, I'm not worried about that" Seamus smiled.

Neville got angry again. Seamus was a bastard,alright. And then he walked off, forgetting about Ernie, and made his way back to the hostel they were staying in. He had a plan. He was going to get Michelle and Seamus would be devastated. But all's fair in love and war, yes?


End file.
